Easter with an Eating Disorder

Easter with an eating disorder sucks!

It is a very stressful, challenging and triggering time, as with most of the holidays. You just get over Christmas and the New Year celebrations, and BOOM the Easter eggs are out. At work (I work in a newsagents), we have had creme eggs out since December last year. It is all too much now as the day draws closer, with only two days to go.

Easter used to be an exciting time of year as a kid, the same with Christmas, getting numerous of eggs and just gave you a reason to stuff your face with chocolate and have two weeks off from school. However it is completely different now.



Since developing an eating disorder in 2012, Easter and the other holidays are far from easy, and I have to mentally prepare myself for the days. I used to be able to eat chocolate eggs just like that and not care, but that has all changed and will never be the same. Instead of being a happy and enjoyable day spent with family, giving a receiving chocolate is now torturous. I can now tell you exactly how many calories are in a creme egg, or per seven mini eggs etc. The whole thing freaks me out. Worrying about calories, and thinking how lazy, fat and disgusting I am to and so on (you wouldn't want to know). How I would need to compensate or do whatever just to get it out of my system. At my worst, I used to give my eggs away to siblings because it was all too much, I was never going to eat the eggs, so what was the point having them?

The eggs are staring at me in the face at work and have been for months now, they are now finally flying off of the shelves much to my relief. But I just think 'why?', 'how can people do that?', when in fact it is completely normal. There are so  many I would love to try, but just the idea of a small one, my head is like 'NO!' Knowing I am probably at least going to be getting two this Sunday, is freaking me out, I will glad to get it out of the way, although I would rather sleep through the whole of it entirely. The voice will scream on Sunday, I know it will, the anxiety has been building (not just about Easter but other stuff going on in my life) but I will just have to get on with it and stay strong as they say. At least it is only one day and there are no other holidays until December where we will have done another full cycle.

Have a great Easter everybody.

In this weeks news. 22nd March-29th March 2015

Germanwings Airbus A320



On the Tuesday (24th March), Germanwings Airbus A320 crashed into the French Alps, killing all of the 150 people on the plane. It has since been found that the pilot had been locked out of the cock pit, the German co-pilot had been suffering from severe depression and had been signed off sick as a result. There have been many questions as to why he was able to fly, although we will never know the answer now, having suffered from mental health issues, and continue to do so today, I can imagine him being in denial about the severity of his illness, and therefore hiding it from his employer and continuing to fly.

Neighbours of the co-pilot said he appeared completely normal, however there is no such thing as normal, and anybody can be affected by mental health issues. In most societies there is a perceived image of what a mentally ill person should look, this is never the case though. Erratic behaviour, loss of control, hear voices and so on.

The news has stigmatised mental even more so, as to begin with the refused to comment on his illness, which has since come out, but he is also being labelled a mass murderer, I am not disputing the fact 149 lives were lost that day, but I would not label the man as a 'murderer' as he would have been so unwell to be able to make think rationally. By labelling the co-pilot, the media have stigmatised the one in four of us who have mental illnesses. Not all that live with mental illnesses will harm others, they are actually more of a harm to themselves than to others.

One Direction: Zayn Malik leaves.



I am not a huge One Direction fan, but news broke on Wednesday (25th March) that Zayn Malik has quit the band. The news came a blow to fan after last week he was signed off with stress from the band's world tour and returned to the UK, but a week later Zayn decided enough was enough and has quit the band.

Since his announcement Zayn has said he hadn't been happy for a while in the band and wanted to live a normal life, and has never felt more in control.

I applaud the guy for doing this, although he feels he has let his fans down, as in life you have got to do what is best for you. Clearly, he wasn't happy and the pressures of being in a boyband from such a young age anyway etc, had just got too much. 

The fans however are another story....

There have been reports of 'BoyBand BreakUp Syndrome' as psychologists are calling it, where fans experience distress when a band member leaves or a band breaks up completely. Psychologists say fans genuinely suffer, as in the past when Take That split in 1996, there images of fans breaking down in tears however the 1D fans have taken it a bit too far.

In space of nine years since Take That split, they have since reformed and lost members, but also social media has evolved and this is where the fans have taken it too far. Hashtag #cut4zayn has been trending on Twitter. I am not a twitterer, however news of this is disturbing. Fans are cutting themselves with the aim to change Zayn's mind. It is just so wrong. It is promoting what is already such a serious mental issue, into something else, promoting and almost making a joke out of it. 

Self harm is a serious issue. It scary and harmful and is damaging both physically and mentally, and may require hospitalisation.  The irony is that one of the reasons Zayn left is for the sake of his mental health. 

Fans, it will not bring him back to the band, end of, so please don't hurt yourself as he wouldn't want you to (not that I know him because I really don't).
If in serious distress please talk to somebody about your feelings and thoughts.

Living with a Liver condition.

Nobody can truly understand the effects of an illness can have on an individual and their everyday life without experiencing it themselves, especially one that is so rare and still currently still being researched.

I have a number of medical conditions, without going into too much detail as I may write about these some other time, but one being a liver condition. It is called Paucity of Interheptic bile ducts. Basically, I am missing the smaller bile ducts within my liver, causing a build up of bile in the blood, and causing me to itch every now and then. It is a genetic condition caused by some faulty genes, this much I understand.

When I was born, my consultant at Great Ormond Street Hospital, and the liver charity, Children's Liver Disease Foundation believed I was the only person to be diagnosed with this condition and therefore little was known about it. I was not diagnosed until I was about 6 months of age, I was still extremely jaundiced, more like a Simpson than a person and was scratching myself.

Currently I am going through one of these itchy phases. No fun I promise. Imagine a fire burning under your skin which you cannot put out; or ant crawling and running under your skin, that is what it feels like. It is hard to explain to somebody who does not like with he the condition. At the moment I am on what feels like tonnes of medication to control it all, so much so I am surprised I don't rattle.

It's not just the physical aspect of the illness which takes its toll but the mental and emotional effects as well as a result of the itching. The scratching keeps me up in the night, therefore not sleeping and therefore I am a grumpy cow in the morning; but this lack of sleep contributes to the scratching. The scratch marks and scars leave me self conscious of my body. I remember at school, others used to ask if I had chickenpox, especially girls, this was particularly difficult when it came to P.E. It effects my mood, to the point I want a liver transplant.

As much as I would love a transplant I know I wouldn't be classed as a priority as it is not life threatening, just distressing. But it makes me wonder... how alcoholics, those who abuse drugs and their bodies get transplants? Look at ex-footballer George Best, he was an alcoholic, had one transplant and then abused that one, so received another one. Just makes me question it all? An individual and their loved ones have been willing to donate yet for the recipient to abuse this amazing gift?

For now my health is stable enough and am grateful for all my treatment, medication etc. and specialists assistance. They will continue to research and hopefully one day there will be more of an understanding and possible treatment.